“It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye
Do you feel like you have lost your desire for sex and intimacy?
Does it feel like effort and work to engage in sexual acts with your partner?
Do you find yourself struggling to be aroused by the idea of having sex?
Do you find yourself making excuses not to have sex?
The struggle is real - this is something many couples are faced with on a daily basis and can be a heavy load to carry in your relationship. As human beings, sex isn’t only a physical act of the body. We have a soul and a spirit, which means our emotions, circumstances, thoughts, etc. can have an effect on how feel about, perceive and experience sex. Just think about it for a moment… Sex can be ignited with a thought. It can be extinguished with a thought. It can be enjoyed in the body. It can be disappointing or uncomfortable because of the body. Sex can be uncomfortable and cause feelings of fear, insecurity, guilt and shame because of our history. Sometimes sex is difficult. Sometimes our desire for sex is suppressed due to emotional or physical issues. That being said, there can be dozens of causes for passion and desire to cool down between partners (which are not only physical chemistry that has faded).
I believe that one of those causes are due to chronic stress that is not managed or being attended to at all. Stress is all too familiar for many of us. We know this monster who creeps into our lives, our relationships and even into our beds. Although sex can be such a good stress reliever, it appears as if stress is more of a “sex reliever”. We know that stress is bad for us, physically, mentally, emotionally and relationally – but that doesn’t necessarily mean we learn how to cope with it and manage it in our daily lives. Not coping with stress can have a huge impact on your sex life on more levels than one:
Loss of desire: When you are chronically stressing, your body produces too much of the hormone called Cortisol, which lowers your libido and decreases your desire for sex. This can explain the continuous “I’m not in the mood” scenario.
Stress can make it harder to reach a climax during sex and at times, it can completely prevent an orgasm.
Rachel Needle says: “Your biggest sex organ is your brain.” When you have a busy mind, filled with all the daily concerns and frustrations, it will be harder to focus on becoming aroused, enjoying pleasurable sensations and reaching an orgasm.
Stress is one of the biggest causes of depression and anxiety which can take a huge toll on your sex life and desire for sex.
Can you see the destructive effect stress can have on your desire for your partner, desire for sex and even on your partner’s feelings. Hans Selye said: “It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” I would like to add to him and say that it is not stress that kills our desire and passion, but our reaction to it. It is impossible to completely eliminate stress from our daily lives, but we can determine how we will react to this stress before it takes its toll on our marriages and relationships. We can learn coping mechanisms and teach ourselves how to relieve stress before it becomes chronic and destructive.
When you think of your own life, how stressed are you? Can stress maybe be the reason for your loss of desire and passion?
A few guidelines and tools that can help you and your partner:
Personal stress and sex inventory
It is always good to start at the beginning – you may need your partner’s help with this one. You need to determine what influence stress has on you and usually we don’t see it ourselves, but our partners will be able to help us see. The following questions can be helpful in doing a personal stress and sex inventory.
SEX | STRESS |
Do you make excuses not to have sex? | What do you think about most during the day? |
Has your desire for sex become lower than usual? | Do you feel anxious more than usually? |
Do you feel too tired to have sex? | Do you tend to lose your temper or become irritable more often? |
Do you struggle being present and fully enjoying sex? | Do you struggle falling asleep |
Are you distracted while having sex which affects your and your partners experience thereof? | Do you experience bodily pain – like tense muscles, back and neck pain, stomach pain |
Does sex feel like work? | Do you eat, drink or make use of something to relieve tension? |
These are just a few questions that can help you to take a look at yourself and become aware of the stress level in your life and what you are feeling and perceiving sexually at this time. Take it easy on yourself (and on your partner). This is not an exercise in order to point fingers, but only to become aware and to determine whether stress is perhaps a factor that affects your sex life and your desire for sex (an ultimately your relationship).
Writing and sharing
As I said, stress can’t completely be eliminated – but we can learn how to react to it differently. Stress is bad for you, but it can also indicate some major stressors and problems in your life and relationship that might need some attention. As partners, it can be a good exercise in writing down what stresses you out, as that opens the communication line between you and fills the space that causes separation and isolation due to stress and trying to cope with it on your own. When we do not know what is going on in our partners lives and minds, we can never truly support them and understand what they are going through and why they react the way they do. This can be a good stress reliever in feeling like your partner is carrying the load with you and that you are not alone. This might even enhance intimacy and spark up some desire.
Self-care rituals
It might be good to motivate each other in pursuing self-care rituals that can help in relieving stress and coping with everyday stressors. Self-care rituals may include, but are not limited to: Excercising, healthy diet, going for a massage, yoga, taking a long bath, reading, watching a movie, taking a walk/stroll, etc. There are literally hundreds of self-care rituals – you can help each other and figure out what you like and what helps you relax. For me personally, I relax when spending time with my friends and we have made the habit of getting together every week where we have coffee and lunch together. My husband, on the hand, relaxes when he plays golf. He has the habit of playing 18 holes every week. We both know how these activities helps us relax and we support and motivate each other in pursuing these self-care rituals.
Quality time
Being intimate with your partner can actually help reduce stress, so it is a good idea to start prioritizing some couple-time during the day, the week and the year. Spending time together, initiates intimacy which helps awaken desire and passion. It may be a good idea to figure out what time of the day works best for you (we are usually exhausted and tired after work at night). It can also be quite exciting in finding new ways of pursuing sex with your partner that is out of the ordinary – before work, meeting up somewhere during your lunchbreak – be creative. It can also be helpful in scheduling weekends away with your partner where the two of you can relax and spend time together with no work, no stress and no responsibilities. Alicia Clark notes: “The feelings produced from sex are natural defenses against stress – closeness, attachment and feeling calm – so making space for physical intimacy isn’t at all fruitless, even if stress levels are high.”
Stress can be the killer of desire, passion and sexual fulfillment in your marriage – but adapting and learning methods to cope with these everyday stressors can open the door to sexual intimacy with your partner that can reduce stress even more and leave you feeling refreshed, supported and satisfied.
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