"Body image is a big part of sexuality - the struggle is real"
Where are you in your relationship? Have the monster of boredom and routine stolen the excitement and edge in your marriage? Have you lost your sense of wonder and curiosity for your partner? Has the sexual tension cooled down below freezing point?
Maybe it is time to embark on activities that draws and seeks out the mystery in your partner…
Become curious again…
Ask questions. Look beyond the surface. Stay interested. The fact is that even after many years of being together, you still have a lot to learn about you partner - especially when it comes to sex. The idea that your partner should know exactly what you want and how you want it is surreal and will only leave you disappointed and unsatisfied. The reverse is also true, how will you know what your partner wants and likes if you don’t ask? This might be a little bit challenging in the beginning if you are not used to having conversations about your sexual likes and dislikes. But what an adventure when you face that challenge become curious again. Your partner will become even more mysterious once you embark on a journey of exploration of each other’s sexual desires, fantasies, likes and dislikes. The goal is not to create tension when you realize that what you have been doing is really not working for your partner and he/she actually has an appetite for something quite different than what you thought. Remember, being curious is also opening yourself to a new mysterious space in your relationship that will both challenge your partner and yourself… emotionally and erotically.
Inviting unpredictability/spontaneity into the room…
The goal is to bring a sense of the unknown into a familiar space. We are afraid of inviting unpredictability into our marriages as it feels risky and unsafe. But “Eroticism is risky”, as Esther Perel states so perfectly. Sexual excitement needs unpredictability and spontaneity. If you are used to the routine of getting into bed at 10pm and expecting your partner to lean over and initiate your timeous and habitual sexual connection – you might just develop a headache or two in the long run. Inviting spontaneity is crucial in igniting the mystery in your relationship and challenges both of you to dig into your intimate selves and letting your sexual needs be made visible. You will need your imagination and creative juices for this one. The goal is to keep the adventure alive and replacing routine and habitual sex with exciting, edgy and spontaneous sex. Start with small changes like making your bed and even bedroom off limits for a while – that will encourage you to find new and exciting places to have sex. This will also give you the opportunity to be caught off guard and intrigued by your partner’s exciting ideas. Let your creative juices flow – think of new places and spaces, think of role play, think of the element of surprise… The options are endless.
The most important part is to make it your own and to allow yourself to explore your partner in a fresh, exciting and intimate way. To move beyond the ordinary, daily relationship filled with life and all the responsibilities thereof and enter a world where you become lovers again, where desire and passion takes its rightful place in your marriage and the mystery inside each other captivates, intrigues and attracts again.
Without curiosity and unpredictability there is no mystery, without mystery there is no excitement and without excitement sex becomes habitual, ordinary and boring. The invitation today is to allow yourself to seek the mystery (that inherently creates excitement, desire and passion) in those all too familiar eyes.
I think this is one of the hardest issues that couples have to face in their relationships. And I believe that, due to the sensitivity of the subject, many couples avoid it or never dig deeper to get to the essence of what lies behind the avoidance and reluctance to engage in sex and that creates distance, isolation and pain. This is a massive reality in many relationships, whether it is something that has been there from the very beginning, or a sudden new reality. Our bodies change, women bare children, our hormones change, mens masculinity fades with time and we age – all those factors have a massive impact on how we view and perceive ourselves and how confident we feel in living out our sexual desires. The true issue is when we avoid and find excuses not to have sex with our partners due to being uncomfortable about your body, because this causes separation, isolation and distance between partners.
It is crucial for couples to face these realities together although it may be very hard. It is important to know that there are two of you in this situation and both are affected by this. I believe that it takes time to really heal and form a new way of seeing yourself, it isn’t something that happens overnight and there is no quick fix. But deciding to start, deciding to do something, is a step in the right direction. And having a partner to support you, motivate you and love you, is a true blessing in itself.
Make the choice
First off it is important to make the choice, to decide to face the reality. One of the most freeing things in life is admitting you have a problem, seeing how it affects your life and your relationship and then deciding to do something about it. As a partner of someone who really struggles with loving and being comfortable with their body, you also have to make the choice to support during this journey to self-love. It is hard and you might feel rejected from time to time, but it is the choice to be there, to love and to care even when it is really difficult. The art is also in reminding yourself about your decision when it is really tough– for the both of you.
Recognize the voices
The struggle is real. The reality is that it is so hard to look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see. It is even harder to have your partner look at you completely naked, when you have these feelings toward yourself. Enjoying sex is basically impossible as you are constantly in your head thinking and wondering what you partner is thinking about your body, is he disgusted, does he wish he was with someone else, does he deserve better… When you see yourself in the mirror, when you put on or take off your clothes – what are the voices saying? “Look at you, you’re so fat”; “Who can ever love someone that looks like you”; “You’re so ugly”. It is important to recognize these voices in your head, to become aware of the thoughts you have and the way you speak to yourself, that worsens the way you see yourself but also completely steals away desire and passion. When you recognize these voices, it might be wise to share them with your partner.
Partner, the worst thing you can do is to react and deny what your partner is feeling. It feels natural to say something like: “I will never be disgusted by you”; “You are perfect in every way, I don’t want someone else”; “I don’t think you’re ugly, I think you’re the most beautiful/handsome person I have ever seen”. There is definitely space for that and you should ensure your partner about your feelings towards them and how you see them. But you can really help your partner in asking curious and inviting questions so that they can have the freedom to honestly share what lies behind these feelings. For example: “Why do you think I will be disgusted”; “When was the first time you felt ugly/fat/not masculine enough/too thin…”; “Why do you feel that the way you look determines how much I will love you”. The key is to really listen and pay attention to your partners words and body language and to ask deeper questions but with love and care within a safe environment.
Speaking in a new way
It is one thing to become aware of the negative thoughts you have about yourself, but it is another thing to actually do something about it. Those thoughts and voices won’t go away by themselves, you have to replace them with positive, refreshing and uplifting thoughts. It might be a good idea to sit and think about the things people usually say about you and compliment you on. It is good to ask your partner as well. Partner, this is where you can really help your lover in order to see the things you see in him/her. Begin small in making a habit of speaking positively about yourself during the day. It is important to note that you might not believe yourself at first, but just keep on and the belief will follow – eventually. Two tips that is crucial:
Give a compliment
Take the compliment
Taking on the bedroom
When your bodily issues have been affecting your sex life, it might be a good idea to rekindle this lost pleasure little by little. These tips and suggestions might be helpful:
Turn on the music – study has shown that music has the ability to create an atmosphere and to help us relax
Dim the lights – it may be more comfortable (and romantic) to dim the lights
Get out of your mind – our minds have the power to kill desire and passion. Challenge yourself to shift your focus from the racing thoughts (which usually are negative) to thinking about what is happening in the moment. For instance: “His hands feels so good on my body”; “I love the way she kisses me like this”, etc. This will help you to get into the moment, to stay in the moment and to move your attention from your own flaws to intimate connection between the two of you.
Partner, help your lover feel comfortable and adored. You know he/she has been struggling – so be patient, sensitive and honest. You can maybe start by telling your partner what you really like about them (eg. Telling your partner that you love their legs while kissing it gently). It can be helpful to focus on being intimate and not just the sexual excitement that you might feel.
Do not stop – I think the most important thing is to keep on and not to stop trying. There will be days that is harder than other days, where you will be tempted to use your old excuses (headache, tired, etc.) to avoid sex. Don’t do it! Rather communicate your feelings to your partner and help each other in finding a mutual arrangement that is good for the both of you (perhaps a massage, a long bath together with bubbles or just lying in bed in each other’s arms can be just as intimate and exciting as sex).
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